A recent poll conducted by The Millennial Snowflake Research Center (MSRC) showed that the vast majority of millennials are no longer ‘doing it’ the old-fashioned way — in actual bedrooms.
“With many still living with their parents, they don’t want to deal with the awkwardness of bringing their sexual partner back home to do the deed,” says Millennial Snowflake Head Researcher Judson Curtis. “Can you blame them? Imagine you’re out of college, your lady friend comes over, and then you tell your mom and dad you’re going upstairs to watch a movie. Next thing you know, you’re trying not to make the bed squeak and to them it sounds like you’re playing Dance Dance Revolution, while they’re downstairs trying to watch Law and Order.”
As a result, millennials are indulging in a massive amount of car sex because they cannot afford to rent out hotel rooms either — saving them a small fortune in hotel fees along the way. Car sex is simply the best option available.
“Subsequently, we’ve seen a huge surge in millennials being arrested for public indecency,” says Curtis. “That’s also why they’re making a collective push to decriminalize car sex. To be fair, if they aren’t allowed to tint their windows to give themselves some privacy, what else can they do? My theory is that it’s all part of scheme to get millennials to stop reproducing.”
According to The Millennial Snowflake Research Center, the upswing in car sex is just one of a number of trends fiscally challenged millennials are behind.
“Grown adults being dropped off at dates, paying for dinners with gift cards — the list goes on,” says Curtis. “The worst one is probably this new thing all of Gen-Y seems to be doing. Going on double dates with their parents. As a scientist, I try to stay objective, but it’s a little weird to me.”
At press time, The Millennial Snowflake Research Center estimated that millennials saved roughly five billion dollars in 2017 by skimping out on hotels in favor of car sex.