WASHINGTON D.C. — Vice President Mike Pence has elected to personally fund research at his alma mater Purdue University to definitively prove that gays do in fact go to hell.
Pence insists that the findings will in no way alter his current beliefs or any future legislation he may pose as vice president.
He has a well-documented track record of anti-gay comments and laws passed during his tenure as the governor of Indiana, most notably his support of conversion therapy to help “the gays have normal relations, adhering to Christian values.” His past has caused slight skepticism about the motives behind the self-funded research.
Pence says the study is strictly scientific, and intended to help inform legislators in their decision-making process going forward.
“We’ve bound the homosexuals by the hands and feet, and thrown them into water. If they float back up, we can assume they’re fine. However, if they sink and do not return to the surface, it means they’ve gone to hell,” said head researcher Dr. Elizabeth Whitehead. “So far, one-hundred percent of the gays we’ve studied have gone to hell just as it says in the Bible.”
Whitehead also said they have weighed the gays against ducks, and the gays have outweighed them each time, further substantiating that the homos are destined for eternal damnation.
The final detail, cementing their findings, were the large number of eye witness testimonials who have seen the gays performing acts of black magic.