WASHINGTON DC — Today President Donald Trump announced his support for a bill designed to drastically cut down legal immigration and replace employment visas with a point-based system.
Australia and Canada have similar systems in place, awarding points to potential immigrants in a variety of categories. The available visas are then given to the highest point earners. A candidate will need 30 points or more to apply to get into the Trumpian United States.
Trump gleefully told a throng of reporters that his wife Melania would fall way short in the new system, going so far as to break down her scores categorically.
His criteria for immigrants include age, education, English-speaking ability, job offers, and bonuses for Nobel Prizes and Olympic medals.
Melania is 47, earning her two points for age, and she holds a foreign bachelor’s degree, earning her an additional five points. However, her English ability scoring on the standardized English test puts her below the 60th percentile, earning her zero points. She also has no job, no Nobel Prize, and no Olympic medals.
All in all, the Slovenian-American First Lady only earned seven points, falling 23 points shy of the 30 needed to remain the country.
“She’s gotta go,” said Trump. “We only want the very best here. No exceptions.”
Many Americans have applauded the president for taking such a strong stance against immigration by going so far as to uphold the same standard to his own wife.
“He’s willing to make the tough decisions like getting rid of that foreign lady he married,” said Mississippi resident Bobby Franklin in response via Twitter.
At press time, Donald Trump was reportedly mulling over adding race to the list of criteria. If the change goes through, being caucasian will be worth thirty points and automatic entry into the country. Conversely, Asians will get five points, being black will be worth four points to Trump, Hispanics get zero points, and Middle Easterners will receive negative five.
“I’m getting the country back on track,” Trump said as he put on his pointy hood, lit his torch, and galloped away into the night on horseback.