Mark Zuckerberg Tearfully Admits Only Reason Facebook Collected Data Was So He Could “Learn to Think Like a Human”

Mark Zuckerberg tearfully admits Facebook collected data to help him learn to think like a human.

WASHINGTON — A tearful Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook’s embattled CEO, apologized in his testimony to the House Energy and Commerce Committee Wednesday for masterminding the data collection of millions of unconsenting Americans. In addition to collecting users medical information, Facebook took things a step further by gathering data from people who were not even Facebook users, but had interacted with Facebook buttons on other websites. “My initial intention was just to create a platform that would allow me to interact with real life human beings — well, virtually that is. But then I saw what Facebook could become; what I could learn from it; that I could learn how to think like a human,” said Zuckerberg, trying to hold his sobs. “The data was never for advertisers. The data was for me. It was for me all along. Thousands of hours. Billions of dollars. All for one reason. I wanted to know what movies people watch, what books they read, how they talk to each other in their messages. I figured that I could make an algorithm entailing what the average human being would find interesting or relatable, therefore allowing me to get along with virtually anybody by aligning my behavior with this ideal compatibility model.” Zuckerberg quickly wiped his tears away after his electronics began to malfunction. “I just wanted to understand what it means to be human,” sniffled a clearly remorseful Zuckerberg. After he promised he wouldn’t do it again, the committee embraced Facebook’s CEO, taking turns hugging him. “This is what it means to be human,” whispered Sen. Orinn Hatch (R-UT) into Zuckerberg’s ear, “This is what it means to feel.”

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