Politics

Man in Coma for Ten Years Requests to be Put Back Under

ST. FRANCIS HOSPITAL, NEW YORK – Javier Vasquez, a man who recently awoke from a coma, after a nearly fatal car accident ten years ago, wants hospital staff to put him into a chemically induced coma for the remainder of his life.

“We try to reintegrate coma patients into normal life as painlessly as possible, by controlling his or her exposure to the outside world. We let them watch a few hours of television every now and again, in order to stimulate their brains. The patient turned on the news and, well, the rest seems rather self-explanatory,” remarked Christina Lantis, a nurse at St. Francis hospital, where Vasquez is currently a patient.

“I just couldn’t fucking believe it. I mean, Donald Trump? I just….can’t get that image out of my head. I would much rather await the sweet release of death while unconscious than deal with this bullshit. Has everyone lost their Goddamn minds?” asked a shocked Vasquez, still visibly shaken from what he had witnessed on the television screen.

“Obviously, we do not simply give out pentobarbital to whoever wants it,” Nurse Lantis continued.

“We have a team of psychiatrists evaluating the patient right now, but it is unclear as to whether or not he will ever recover. Think of it this way: If the first thing that you saw after ten years was President Trump’s speech to the Boy Scouts, and you were told that this man is now Commander in Chief, would you still have the will to live? I’m not sure that I would,” Lantis observed with a sigh.

Security footage of Vasquez’s hospital room appears to show the patient pacing the floor, muttering the word “covfefe,” while sobbing uncontrollably.

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