PYONGYANG — A lonely Kim Jong-un bemoaned to head DPRK officials that OkCupid banned yet another one of his profiles, once again incorrectly assuming it was fake.
“Sure, I have a wife, but we haven’t slept in the same bed in 9 months. She’s intimidated by my power,” he said. “Besides, I’m a beloved leader, so I can do what I want. What’s hard though, is that everybody assumes just because I’ve got cool hair and a handsome baby-face that I get all the girls. Truth is, I’m very intense and I think a lot of women can’t handle that. On top of that, North Korea is kind of a sausage fest. That’s why OkCupid gave me a way of at least talking to some girls. I was chatting with this South Korean chick, which was extra hot because it felt so forbidden — even to me. Anyways, my profile got reported. It’s like the tenth one I’ve made, but nobody thinks it’s actually me, so OkCupid keeps banning me. It’s just really unfair honestly. Like Trump is all over social media, and the moment I try to use any of it, even on the down low, I get totally shot down. Ugh, I’m so over it.”
At press time, Jong-un phoned close friend Dennis Rodman for dating advice, hoping to get his his love life back on track. He admitted that his lack of romance has made his temperament erratic of late, and that his nuclear ambitions are merely an effort to fill a void. The dictator also said that now that his nuclear dreams have been realized, he plans to devote his energies to finding true love.