Tech

Lonely, Horny Girl Fake Profile No Longer Working, Internet Scammer Tries Out New “Happily Taken” Online Persona

Internet scammer uses obviously fake Facebook profile to try to catfish people.

KIEV, UKRAINE — Internet scammer Sergiy Emelianenko lamented the serious dropoff in his catfishing success rates as lonely, horny girl fake profiles no longer seemed to net the same return for his efforts.

“Usually, it’s pretty easy. I put up a profile picture. Big breasts. Nice smile. Young looking. And I make a couple statuses about feeling lonely and horny. Then I send out friend requests to middle age men especially. They have some money most of the time. But lately it just hasn’t been working enough for it to be worth my time.”

“At first, I said to myself, ‘Sergiy, perhaps you should try to create a lonelier, hornier girl profile.’ But it was attracting the worst kinds of people. Real deadbeats. So I pivoted as any savvy internet entrepreneur does.”

The Ukrainian scammer was more than thrilled to show The Millennial Snowflake’s investigative reporters the fruits of his labors. He took a swig of vodka and opened up his internet browser, displaying chat histories of men happily forking over large amounts of money as “Candy Caine,” his bait, explained that she couldn’t video chat because all of her cameras were broken.

“You see, for my next iteration, I said again to myself, ‘Sergiy, if they don’t want lonely girl anymore. Perhaps you should try horny, but happily taken girl.’ And boom. We have success again.”

Emelianenko unzipped his tracksuit, exposing tufts of chest hair as he lit a cigarette.

“I think what it is,” he said in an accent reminiscent of the terrorists in Die Hard, “is that people want a winner these days. They want bubbly, happy. The taken thing works because it makes them feel special or chosen as if they are making “Candy” or whatever fake girl it is, stray.”

Emelianenko says he only does it partially for the money.

“Truth is, I am that lonely girl. I do it for the company.”

 

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