PHOENIX, ARIZONA – In what psychiatrists are hailing as a breakthrough, Seth Addelton’s depression seems to have completely dissipated after his friend told him that “life ain’t so bad,“ that ”people have it worse” than him, and finally that he should “just cheer up.”
“At first, hearing my roommate say that kind of pissed me off. ‘If I could do that, I wouldn’t be depressed in the first place,’ I remember saying. But eventually, once I came to my senses, I realized that he was right. I really just need to go outside more and get more exercise. And anti-depressants? How unnatural! I’ll be much better off with herbal supplements. I realized how ridiculous it was that I was filling my body up with chemicals, simply in order to function. Who cares if this shit isn’t FDA approved? Big Pharma doesn’t cure diseases, they create clients!” Addelton exclaimed. In lieu of such ineffective treatments as SSRIs, Addelton now takes a supplement that he has shipped from China, which had a label specifying that “This medication absolutely will NOT make you bleed from the anus.”
“He seems to have undergone a miraculous change overnight. He’s now able to get out of bed in the morning and greet the day with a refreshingly optimistic outlook, something that people with depression often struggle to do,” his psychiatrist, Dr. Andreas Kaufmann observed.
Friends and family have been pleasantly surprised by Addelton’s new lease on life. His sister Cynthia spoke of how it feels to have her brother back.
“Honestly, dealing with him used to be a real drag. I never wanted to say it, but it always felt like he could try to do more to make himself feel better. I felt like I didn’t even really know him anymore, which was sad. But now that it’s convenient to have him in our lives, and his illness is no longer a burden to everyone who cares about him, we have a good relationship again,” she noted.
Due to Addelton’s extraordinary convalescence, doctors are advising loved ones to often use certain ways of telling depressed people exactly what they are doing wrong with their lives. Only then, they say, will they find it within themselves to change for the better.
“We find that such statements as ‘You just want attention’ and ‘Why are you always so lazy?’ work wonders for the human psyche,” Dr. Kaufmann concluded.