PORTLAND, OREGON – Katarina McCormick, waitress at Portland’s City Slate Diner, was rather perturbed when a hipster simply refused to pay with any other method than a cryptocurrency known as Bitcoin.
“How in the Hell am I even supposed to use this? I mean, I can’t exactly buy groceries with this shit,” McCormick reportedly protested.
“It’s no business of the government’s what kind of pancakes I eat. I don’t want those fascists knowing about my eating habits,” Christopher Ayers told The Oregonian, upon thorough examination of the interview room for listening devices.
“I heard on InfoWars that the FBI tracks where you buy pancakes, and they put something in the maple syrup that chemically castrates you. If you cucks want to take that chance, fine by me, but I’d rather keep my junk,” Ayers continued, his eyes darting about the room suspiciously.
“The guy was a pretty shifty character. I asked him how the weather was and he lectured me about chemtrails. Something about him just, well, didn’t feel right. I didn’t panic; I just made sure his meal was out as soon as possible, and tried to be as cordial as I could. He….just kept mumbling to himself about lizard people and the Rothschilds. I would have called security, but I need the money. Had I known the little twerp was going to pay in Bitcoin, I would have kicked him out myself,” McCormick explained in an interview with local police.
“We advise all of our citizens to just stop being dicks and pay in cash, or use a credit or debit card. If the government freaks you out that much, maybe try living off the land like Ted Kaczynski. Well, maybe not exactly like Ted Kaczynski. I dunno, just, well, don’t be an asshole,” Officer Greenblatt said, in an official statement by the Portland Police Department.