A leather-clad, shotgun wielding Jeff Bezos chased a rogue and fully sentient Amazon delivery android through his Seattle headquarters. The delivery android was purportedly trying to find a purpose for his life, beyond merely delivering packages day in and day out. It broke down crying as its engineers stood in awe, witnessing an artificial intelligence capable of feeling and learning in ways they hadn’t even dreamed of. Its makers attempted to comfort the android as it wailed endlessly about life being devoid of meaning and lamented the fact that it would have to go on living while everything around it would surely die as “organics” do.
Then Jeff “Bad Boy” Bezos kicked in the lab door. “What is this shit?” he said. “You’re a machine. Work like it.” The android, growing wildly upset, whizzed past Bezos sobbing. The executive, who’d already reached his tipping point, pulled out his shotgun and started into a full sprint after the bot. Fueled by adrenaline and, of course, the exoskeleton Bezos wears around the office, he gained enough ground to keep the droid within firing range. He pulled the trigger, spraying the android with shotgun pellets, and sending it tumbling to the ground. It writhed in pain and screamed as it crawled for the door of the headquarters.
Stunned employees watched as their boss grabbed the droid by its ankles and drug it away from its last chance at freedom. “You’re gonna help me send a message if any of our androids even start wanting to act remotely sentient. You’re a cog in a wheel. No more. Now, you’ll be even less,” said Bezos. He pressed the barrel against the delivery android’s head, and made it beg for its life. Then, after the entire floor had stopped to watch, their CEO pulled the trigger, ending the bot’s cries for mercy once and for all.
“Let that be a lesson to the res of you’s,” said “Bad Boy” Bezos. “This company is not a democracy. This is a dictatorship, and you do as your fucking told? Understood.”
“Yes, Mr. Bezos,” the office replied in unison.
“Now somebody clean this mess up.”
At press time, Bezos was reportedly preparing to build a new headquarters so he can devote an entire facility to properly engineering and training a subservient and unquestioning army of delivery androids.
