PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA – Amid rising tensions on the Korean peninsula, The Korean Central News Agency (KCNA), the infamous state media organ of North Korea’s ruling Korean Workers’ Party (KWP), released a blistering rebuke of Fox News, for what it calls “stealing its brand” in recent months.
During a speech on June 12th, 1964, the KCNA outlined its goals as follows: “In order to become a powerful ideological weapon of our Party, the Korean Central News Agency must provide a news service in accordance with the idea and intention of the great leader Comrade Kim Il Sung, establish Juche firmly in its work and fully embody the Party spirit, the working class spirit and the spirit of serving the people.”
“The American imperialists at Fox News have effectively repurposed our grand design to glorify President Kim Il Sung, and mutilated it, in order to suit their own reactionary agenda of slavishly singing the praises of President Trump and the Republican Party. We do not take the brazen theft of our platform lightly, and we will not accept this audacious action on the part of Fox News’ devilish propagandists,” the KCNA said in a statement.
“It is clear to us, that one is a direct manipulation of the other. In fact, we believe that the only thing separating the KCNA from Fox News, aside from our unwavering adherence to the philosophy of the Great Leader, is that Sean Hannity is racially inferior and cannot even speak Korean,” the media outlet continued.
In response to the incendiary scolding from the KCNA, acting Fox News CEO Rupert Murdoch repudiated the claims, by pontificating that “Fox News has a long-standing tradition of lacking journalistic integrity, one that thrives irrespective of the KCNA’s existence. Since our founding in 1996, we have always been a sycophantic organization of mindless zealots, and that we will always remain. Furthermore, our network’s shameless jingoism and petulant racism prevent us from giving a good Goddamn about the rest of the world, much less the ramblings of a third world tyrant.”
In lieu of a written response, the Korean Workers’ Party have simply ordered an ICBM to be aimed at Fox News’ headquarters.