PYONGYANG — Donald Trump escalated tensions between the United States and North Korea last Friday morning, saying the U.S. was prepared to respond should the authoritarian regime “act unwisely.” He followed his threatening rhetoric by tweeting that the “military solutions are now fully in place, locked and loaded, should North Korea act unwisely. Hopefully Kim Jong Un will find another path!”
Trump held steady in his verbal confrontation with the dictator, telling him the U.S. would unleash “fire and fury, and frankly, power the likes of which this world has never seen.”
Nearly one week later, on Thursday morning, in a shocking turn of events, Kim Jong Un called Donald Trump and requested to meet face-to-face with the reality television star-turned president. Most thought Trump would decline the request due to an aversion of direct conflict, stemming back to his youth of dodging the Vietnam draft, but he agreed to the meeting, so long as he could be accompanied by a horde of Secret Service and military personnel.
Jong Un agreed to The Apprentice host’s terms. By Friday afternoon, in a highly secretive meeting, Trump and Jong Un finally came face to face in Pyongyang. Both sides were heavily armed. Talks were reportedly “very intense” as Trump later tweeted.
However, as the leaders sized each other up in person, something changed. The Trump University founder and the North Korean dictator realized that they were “basically the same person.” Thoughts of war suddenly dissolved, as they looked into each other’s eyes and saw themselves, separated only by race and the oceans in between.
The former Miss Universe owner and the Supreme Leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea found common ground, with witnesses leaking that the expected showdown wound up resembling the scene from Step Brothers when Brennan Huff and Dale Doback become best friends.
“You like threatening mass destruction?” said Trump.
“Yes!” replied Jong Un. “You like oppressing people and attacking civil liberty?”
“Yes!” exclaimed Trump. “Did we just become best friends?”
“Yep!” Jong Un said as the two new best friends high-fived.
For the rest of the evening, Jong Un showed Trump the best Pyongyang had to offer. He gave the television personality the whole entire steak he was planning on divvying up amongst his people. To top it off, the gracious dictator had North Korea’s equivalent to the Spice Girls, the Jong Un Angels, give a private performance for the real estate mogul.
“I met with Kim Jong Un,” Trump later tweeted upon returning. “A very misunderstood man.”
The nuclear war that appeared just on the horizon was averted thanks to the kindred spirits of the two men, but they exchanged more than friendship. Over mutual admiration and a round of golf, the pair decided to give each other a final gift before parting ways. Trump returned to the United States, sporting the hair of the supreme leader. Conversely, Jong Un’s new Twitter account appears to show him wearing Trump’s toupee.