Politics

Kim Jong Un Pinky Swears Not to Invade South Korea

DEMILITARIZED ZONE, KOREA – Following historic negotiations regarding denuclearization, both leaders of the Korean peninsula have returned to their respective capitals, in order to discuss their hopes for lasting peace.

“He has extended his pinky. With this heroic, yet humble gesture, he has offered lasting peace and a hope for reunification. Has anyone called the Nobel Committee yet? Well, what are you waiting for?” President Moon Jae-in said in his address to a crowd in Seoul.

Of the South Korean capital, Kim Jong Un seemed surprisingly fond.

“Seoul is beautiful. It’s absolutely stunning, believe me,” Kim Jong Un whimsically observed at a rally in Pyongyang.

“And it’s so close to the border with the DPRK! You could totally get there in an hour by tank, I mean train. Yes, an hour by train. You all heard me say train, right?” Kim Jong Un said, as he scowled at his petrified citizens.

“Yes, train! All hail the Dear Leader’s train! Choo-choo!”

“It’s also a short distance by military plane. How do I know this? No reason at all! Okay, MOVING ON. The important thing is that it doesn’t matter how tantalizingly close the capital of South Korea is, because I pinkie swore not to invade. I take pinky swears really seriously, that I can tell you.”

“In any case, once the Western imperialists, I mean the fine battalion of U.S. soldiers, vacate the South, I plan to hold a long, comprehensive meeting with leaders of The Korean People’s Army. Why? I’m buying them new hats. Yeah, that’s it. New hats. They look awesome. They have DRAGONS ON THEM. I also want to tell them how beautiful Seoul is, and how easily you can get there by ta-, I mean train,” Kim Jong Un said, as beads of sweat cascaded down the second of his three chins.

“All hail the Dear Leader’s train! Choo-choo!” his adoring followers responded in unison.

“I would also like to assure the lying Western media that my meeting with President Moon did not constitute a so-called ‘charm offensive,’ as they so cynically claim. It’s not my fault that I’m adorable, okay? Haters gonna hate!”

“Haters gonna hate!” responded the monolithic crowd.

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