BROOKLYN, NEW YORK – On Friday, Martin Shkreli, otherwise known as “Pharma Bro,” openly wept in court, as he received his sentence of 7 years in federal prison.
During his sentencing, Shkreli unsuccessfully implored the judge to have mercy on him.
“I know I’m an insufferable piece of shit. My high school voted me ‘Most Likely to Become a Sewer Rat’ four years in a row. But please, find it in your heart to understand: I made a huge mistake by stealing and getting caught. I promise that I won’t do it again,” Shkreli promised, as tears cascaded down his punchable face.
The judge was not moved by Shkreli’s apology, and Shkreli burst into tears, as he heard the sentencing verdict.
Ever the entrepreneur, Shkreli carefully placed his tears in a jar, hoping that he could profit from his misery someday.
“The fact of the matter is that everyone hates me. I can’t make money as a businessman anymore. Turns out, being a cowardly sociopath only gets you so far in the pharmaceutical business. These days, the only way that I can ensure profits is by capitalizing on my ill repute,” Shkreli explained in an exclusive interview with The Millennial Snowflake.
“So those tears weren’t genuine?” the interviewer inquired.
“No, they weren’t,” Shkreli replied with a smug smile. “I just had to think about something really sad, and force myself to cry.”
“What were you thinking about?”
“The United States enacting universal healthcare,” he replied, as tears welled up in his eyes.
The jar of Shkreli’s tears sold for a staggering $200,000 at an auction. Jason Richardson, a small business owner from Idaho, told The Millennial Snowflake that in spite of the exorbitant cost, he is thrilled with his purchase.
“I had to put a second mortgage on my house to afford this. But every time I look at it, and imagine that petulant dickhead crying and begging for mercy, it always cheers me up.”