Same ISPs who Guarantee Timely Tech Support Promise Not to Fuck with Internet

WASHINGTON D.C. – After FCC Commissioner, Ajit Pai, moved forward with the controversial measure to end net neutrality, cable companies have assured the public that they have nothing about which to be concerned.

“You can trust us here at Comcast to abide by net neutrality,” Comcast CEO Brian L. Roberts said during a press conference. “Have we ever lied to you? I mean, granted, we’re the same people who promise to assist you within thirty minutes, then answer four hours later. But that’s only because we’re currently assisting other customers! Your call is important to us!”

“Just because we lobbied for these regulations to be removed, doesn’t mean we’re going to take advantage of the lack of oversight. Don’t be absurd! It just means that you might have to wait a few more hours for your videos to buffer. In the meantime, go outside, and marvel at nature’s beauty! If there’s one thing we love here at Verizon, it’s fresh air. If there’s two things we love, it’s fresh air and premium content. It really adds a feel of exclusivity, for those who can afford it. Premium video streaming packages? Ooo-La-La,” cooed Verizon CEO, Lowell C. McAdam.

“We are happy to say that the era of prioritizing customer satisfaction over our profit margin is over. Thank you to Mr. Pai, who once worked as a lawyer for our company. He totally doesn’t own shares though. That would be a conflict of interest. Oops, did I just say that out loud?” a visibly mortified McAdam asked.

When asked how internet users can provide feedback about the services they want, Comcast and Verizon both assured its customers that, for a small $50 monthly fee, customers can email them, to voice their concerns. The address they provided is as follows: Suck@OurBalls.net

You can also call their support hotline at 1-800-BUFFER.

To Top