Iowa DNC Declares Everyone Winners. Because Why the Fuck Not?

DES MOINES, IOWA — After a long delay in releasing the results of the Iowa caucuses, the Iowa Democratic Party has decided to declare everyone the winner.

“We feel that, at the end of the day, we’re all winners in life. In the spirit of our optimistic outlook, we’ve decided to declare everyone the winner of the 2020 Iowa Democratic caucuses,” a spokesperson for the Iowa Democratic Party told The Millennial Snowflake on Tuesday.

The Iowa DNC also politely requested that people please stop mailing cat feces to their headquarters, at 5661 Fleur Drive, Des Moines, IA 50321.

“Well, I mean, I’m not happy about Senator Sanders winning the first primary of the election season. But as long as he has to split his victory in several different ways, I guess we can live with it,” DNC Chairman Tom Perez said during an afternoon press conference.

The Iowa DNC attributed the long delay in results to a failure by Shadow Inc., an obscure startup company that they hired to develop an app for counting votes.

When approached for comment, a spokesperson for Shadow Inc. informed us that their CEO is in Moscow, attending to an unrelated business matter.

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