SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA — “We are SICK AND TIRED of being attacked by humans, for simply being who we are,” an activist spider, known only as “Shelob,” began in her rousing speech. “They squash us, they leave us out in the cold, and they trivialize our struggle with little jingles like ‘The Itsy Bitsy Spider!’ NO LONGER WILL WE BE SUBJECTED TO THEIR CONDESCENSION! WE WILL NOT CLIMB UP THEIR WATERSPOUTS EVER AGAIN. Together, we are strong! These humans will suffocate under the sticky web of truth!” Shelob proudly proclaimed, amidst a roaring crowd of thousands of spiders.
“Our movement begins TONIGHT, in this very attic! We will fight arachnophobia to our last breath! Tonight, we send an unequivocal message to humankind: We’re HERE, we have EIGHT LEGS, GET USED TO IT!” Shelob shouted ferociously, as thunderous applause echoed through the tiny attic.
“Gather, my dear friends. Whether you are black widows, tarantulas, or any other glorious race of arachnid! Together, united, we will stand against these humans, who squash us with their treacherous boots, and silence us with their reactionary newspapers! Tonight, we say NO MORE. Tonight, we march against tyranny. Tonight, we march against oppression and servitude! TONIGHT, WE MARCH AGAINST ARACHNOPHOBIA! As the great philosopher Charles Addams once said: What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly! Tonight, my brothers and sisters, we will BE that chaos!”
The spiders proceeded to march throughout the house, promising to grow their movement globally, into an arachnid revolution.
“This is only the beginning! Humans, you have yet to fully comprehend the might of the glorious spider!”