Science & Technology

Human Clones Refusing To Mate In Captivity

Human clones refuse to mate in captivity.

MUNICH — Researchers at the Munich Genome Labs (MGL) successfully created two human clones, one male and a female specimen. They named the male Adam and his counterpart Eve, intending for them to be companions. For many years MGL has worked to give the clones as normal of a life as any two genetically produced sentients could possibly have. However, the team has reportedly grown frustrated as the now adult clones refuse to mate in captivity.

“This could be happening for a number of reasons. Sometimes mammals can be relatively asexual. That’s certainly a possibility,” says MGL researcher Erick Weber.

Eve was reportedly cloned from one of Germany’s top supermodels. Adam, on the other hand, was cloned from Weber himself. According to a number of researchers, Adam is far from the ideal physical specimen — short, fat, has digestive issues, and is highly neurotic.

“The likelihood of the experiment working was so slim to begin with that we supposed it was more theoretical than anything,” says Julia Fuchs. “I anticipated it would be another three years and thousands of attempts later before we’d succeed. Of course Eve doesn’t want to reproduce with him — he is not an ideal specimen. Our initial subject backed out and Dr. Weber volunteered his own genetic material. We didn’t have the heart to tell him he wasn’t a good candidate.”

The team has been trying desperately to “set the mood” for the clones by lighting candles for them, playing music, and optimizing the lighting to enhance feelings of romance. However, every attempt has been to no avail. According to Fuchs, Eve seems to recognize their inherent discrepancy in attractiveness and has essentially friend-zoned Adam.

“He keeps complimenting her, but the more he tells her how beautiful she is, the less interested she seems in sex,” says Fuchs. “What’s crazy about that, is that he’s literally the only possible option for her in captivity.”

MGL reportedly introduced pair to social media, which they both showed great interest in. Adam resigned himself to the fact that Eve would not reciprocate his advances and enjoys the online communication he gets with the outside world. Meanwhile, Eve apparently enjoys taking selfies and posting them online for the likes and comments she receives.  

“What we’re finding is that she would prefer the validation of strangers over the face-to-face communication,” says Fuchs. “Adam’s attempts to woo her have utterly failed.”

At press time, Adam was reportedly following Eve around their enclosure telling her what a nice guy he is, before resorting to insulting her after she continuously ignored him.

 

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