NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK – Simon & Schuster have officially released excerpts from Hillary Clinton’s upcoming memoir, “What Happened.” In addition to showcasing her rationalizations for just how badly she fucked up during Campaign 2016, the samples from the book reveal a more disturbing side to the former Secretary of State. In particular, the section detailing her pillaging of Tokyo, which occurred on a state visit to Japan in February of 2009, provides a fascinating glimpse into the political figure’s private life.
“It may come as a surprise to some, but I am not entirely human,” Hillary explains in one section. “Emboldened by the power of nuclear radiation, I descended upon Tokyo with an unquenchable thirst for chaos and destruction. The Japanese military tried in vain to defeat me, but I overpowered them with my infamous Atomic Breath, as well as my penchant for sanctimony and deception. I have since learned to control my murderous impulses, but I do find myself feeling nostalgic for a time during which I could mercilessly squash defenseless townspeople.”
“My original slogan for the 2016 General Election was ‘In Godzilla We Trust,’ but my aides advised me that revealing my sinister alter-ego might hinder my political ambitions. Being the shrewd career politician that I am, I decided against revealing my secret,” another excerpt recounts.
When asked about the startling revelations contained in her new book, Hillary seemed to indicate that there no longer exists any reason to be coy with the public, in regard to her scaly, monstrous identity
“I did my best to win last year, but people saw through my attempts to appear human. I figured it was time to be honest with the American people, and to reveal my true form. I am Godzilla, and I am Goddamned proud of it,” Hillary said defiantly in an interview.
When asked about her future plans, the former presidential candidate replied that she will no longer hide who she is.
“I plan to spend the remainder of my days doing what I do best: instilling fear in the hearts of millions, as well as leaving devastation and misery in my wake. You haven’t seen the last of me,” she said, before roaring ominously.