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Heaven Reaches 144,000 Person Capacity, God Reveals Plans For Second, Even Cooler Heaven

Heaven reaches it's 144,000 person capacity.

Saturday afternoon, Heaven officially reached its 144,000 person max capacity. The chosen few must maintain a standard of faith and good conduct, leaving the possibility open for those on the heavenly waiting list to get in. However, for the time being, God is working on another solution. He revealed his plans for a second, “even cooler” Heaven.

“After the whole Adam and Eve incident, then Cain and Abel ordeal, my expectations for mankind just kind of plummeted, ya know? So I was thinking that 144,000 would be plenty of room. I mean, I literally know everything, but I made a little goof,” said God. “So, I’m going to make a second Heaven. Maybe call it ‘New Heaven.’ Truth is, I was a completely different Supreme Being back then. I was all like, ‘you can’t do this, you can’t do that or I’m gonna flood the world.’ Now, I’ve mellowed out. I just had so much wrath back then. But it’s like after you’ve had your first kid, you take it easy on the next one because you realize everything is going to turn out alright.”

God unfolded his plans for New Heaven, trying to hold back his excitement as he explained his grand design.

“When I first made old Heaven, besides the obvious logistical error of max capacity, it honestly was not as hype as I let it on to be. The vibe is hella stale with all those goodie-two-shoe types always worshipping your every move. It’s like look, I might’ve overreacted a little when I cast Lucy and the other angels down, but just once — just one time, show a little rebelliousness, people. You know, like not too much, but enough to keep things interesting around here,” said God. “But I digress. New Heaven is gonna be way less strict. I’m a cool God now. You won’t have to be as good. Even being a decent person will get you in. For example, let’s say you haven’t killed anyone, but you like to fire the flesh musket, in old Heaven that won’t do, but New Heaven welcomes you and all your moral relativity. There’s no curfew. It’s way less judgmental. You like to smoke and drink? That’s cool with your Lord God Bro-Mighty. Still keep it in moderation, though. There’s an open bar. And sex is allowed, but try to keep the PDA toned down. Oh, and there’s gonna be waterslides and a massive heated pool, like ocean big. If you pee in it, you’re going to Hell. Ahhh, I’m just messing with you.”

God did not say when he plans to unveil New Heaven, but that “it’s going to be rad” and it’s going to make old Heaven look like it was built for a bunch of “lames.”

 

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