BEDMINSTER, NJ — Lambasted for his initial response to the havoc Hurricane Maria caused to Puerto Rico, Donald Trump made the ultimate sacrifice Monday afternoon. Trump paused in the middle of a round of golf at his New Jersey getaway to order an emergency supply of 20,000 Lunchables be shipped to Puerto Rico immediately.
Republicans and evangelicals alike applaud the POTUS for his response, with many saying that his Lunchables initiative proves that he’s “a man of action.” Trump reportedly did not initially know that Puerto Rico was a U.S. territory. Upon learning that it is indeed a part of the U.S., Trump’s attitude shifted from “territory, shmerritory, fuck em!” to feeling enough conviction to personally signing the order which will send the Lunchables to Puerto Rico.
“I used to think they were basically an island of Mexicans, but Puerto Rico has some good people. Very fine people. Except that mayor. She’s a nasty bitch,” said Trump.