Heartbreaking: This teen’s high school bully is a 9th century Japanese Samurai

Jimothy Shankley, a 10th grader at nearby Pine Hills High School, has been tormented the last two years by his high school nemesis, a Japanese samurai born approximately 1100 years ago.

“Look, I understand I’m a bit of an easy target,“ Jimothy began, “but I was expecting a normal high school bully, some football jock or something. Instead, I got Tachibana Dosetsu, a samurai straight out of the Emperor Kanmu era. This guy is gifted in mounted combat and archery, and I can barely make it through gym class without getting my pants pulled down or getting the wind knocked out of me with an arrow.”

“I just wanted a normal high school experience. Go to class, play in the marching band, maybe meet a girl or something. Instead, I gotta deal with this guy, who just participated in a military campaign against the Emishi and makes a point to pull my underwear above my head every day after school.”

Shogun Dosetsu is well-liked by his classmates and is on this year’s homecoming court.

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