WASHINGTON D.C. — Shortly following revelations surrounding Brett Kavanaugh’s alleged sexual assault at age 17, new accusations have emerged regarding him stalking maternity wards, and devouring infants.
“I don’t understand what the issue here is,” Mitch McConnell, Senate Majority Leader, said in a press conference on Monday. “I mean, adolescents have hormones raging through their bodies, which make them do crazy things. The Judge Kavanaugh I know today loves babies, and wouldn’t even think of nibbling at one, no matter how delicious.”
“We must not end this man’s esteemed career over such allegations,” Paul Ryan agreed. “When I was in high school, I stole kids’ lunch money and redistributed it among the jocks. I’m clearly a better person now.”
“When I said to that lady, ‘Your baby is so adorable; I could just eat him up,’ I was clearly being facetious,” Judge Kavanaugh told the Senate, as he hid his recipe book from the cameras.
Republicans in Congress have promised to continue the confirmation process, so long as Kavanaugh has not exhibited a history of progressivism.