SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA – In a press conference on Wednesday morning, Rob Solomon, CEO of GoFundMe, announced that they have surpassed such healthcare titans as Anthem and UnitedHealth Group, to become the largest healthcare provider in the nation.
In response, newly appointed CEO of UnitedHealth Group, David S. Wichmann, called his own press conference, during which he condemned those whom he considers responsible for his company’s financial decline.
“Let me be perfectly clear: I blame those whiny Millennials for our stock price falling. Kids, there’s no such thing as a free lunch,” Wichmann claimed sardonically. “You can’t just go online, post your sob story, and receive money for your medical treatments! What kind of fantasy world are you idiots living in? If you want to receive medical care, you have to live with crippling insurance premiums and beg Congress not to revoke your healthcare plan, at least once every two weeks. That’s how this country has always worked!”
Joseph R. Swedish, CEO of Anthem, issued a similarly scathing rebuke of GoFundMe and its users.
“What kind of socialist website is this? You have to work in order to get the things that you want,” Swedish defiantly remarked. “Oh, you’re suffering from a terrible illness? Well then, I’d suggest working a bit harder! Get a second, or a third job! And remember: If you can’t thrive under the capitalist system, it’s your own damned fault. We’re a compassionate society. We’re kind and decent enough to give you the opportunity to work to prolong your suff- erm, to enrich your life. We here at Anthem believe that healthcare is a business, not a right. If you have a problem with that, then by all means, go join those commie bastards in Canada!”