Politics

God on Nashville Statement: ‘Please Stop Being a Dick in My Name’

BETHLEHEM – Following the release of a controversial manifesto by The Council of Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, which harshly condemns homosexuality and transgenderism as diametrically opposed to Christian beliefs, God has released a rebuttal, entitled “Listen Up, You Apostate Filth.”

Christ’s twelve disciples have praised the work, remarking that it showcases God “uncensored and unfiltered,” and noting that “the Holy Gloves are off.”

“The issue with Biblical texts is that there are too many translations, and that the works have undergone too many revisions over the centuries. For millennia, unholy forces have conspired together to knowingly misconstrue and exaggerate the Word of God. Frankly, they make Him seem like….kind of an asshole. We are glad to see that the Alpha and Omega will no longer accept this mistreatment,” St. Peter observed.

The following is an excerpt from the religious tract, which has sanctimonious Evangelicals reeling:

“You, my supposedly loyal followers, seem to be fond of Leviticus 18:22. Well, let’s allow that to play out, shall we? Have you morons read all of Leviticus? I hope you don’t like American football or rugby; for in Leviticus 11:8, I unequivocally state that the flesh of swine is unclean to you. So yeah, stop tailgating, you drunk frat boy pieces of shit. Also. I know how much you people love seafood. Yeah, I banned that too. I also prohibited having relations with one’s sister in Leviticus 18:9, so….maybe some of you Bible Thumpers down South should avoid judging people based on sexual preferences, hmm? Besides, that’s all Old Testament stuff. I was having a really bad time when I wrote that. Going through a divorce….I just don’t really want to get into it. As Christians, you should really be focusing on the redemptive messages in The New Testament, like John 3:16 or Matthew 7:1-3. Do those ring any bells? No? Well then, the problem isn’t homosexuals or transgendered people, it’s YOU.”

Upon learning that God does not tolerate hate, conservatives all over the United States have been burning Bibles by the thousands.

“I thought that God was a vengeful, hateful being, who could justify my prejudices. Turns out, He’s just another pussy snowflake cuck. I’m never reading The Bible again,” vowed Jim Senson, a once devout Southern Baptist.

“How am I supposed to use Scripture to cover up for the fact that I’m a shitty person now?” inquired Bill Castle, a disillusioned Evangelical.

When asked if God is planning on releasing any more religious treatises, The Lord answered that He is currently working on one called “I Gave You Idiots Reason, Now Fucking Use It,” in response to anti-scientific tendencies among certain sects of Christianity.

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