HEAVEN — The Lord God Almighty confirmed late Thursday evening that he did in fact create yoga pants.
“Adam wouldn’t stop staring at Eve, so I made clothes. But then Eve kept complaining about how itchy and ugly her sackcloth was. That’s when I had a divine revelation — I’d create something that made her feel free, but still covered her up just enough,” said God. “It took some time but eventually I came up with yoga pants. At first, they were a pure thing, but of course, mankind perverted that, too. Now everyone’s always like ‘on the eighth day, God made yoga pants’ cause they think girl’s butts look good in them. Do you even know how annoying that is? Like I made everything. Is it seriously that funny to joke that I also made stretchy pants that happen to be all-purpose?”
Unfortunately, the Lord was being flooded with prayers from football fans all across the United States, so The Millennial Snowflake conducted the rest of the interview via email.
“Did I make selfie sticks, too? Hell no,” God said. “That was Satan. He’s kind of a douche. He also made fedoras. Yeah, that’s all him. He was even snickering when he told me about the selfie sticks, talking about how, and I quote, ‘my flawed little monkey’s pride and vanity would get them killed taking pics of themselves and they’d look hella stupid.’”
The Lord of All briefly mentioned the squiggly eyebrow trend that emerged this year, also blaming Satan for convincing young women it would be a good idea to do that to themselves, calling it an “abomination.”