For years, experts have told fully-functioning, mentally sound people to eat healthy and go to the gym in order to get in shape. But what about the rest of us? If you’re a borderline hot mess, and not ready to do things the right way or completely change your lifestyle to live a healthy and happy life (but still want to look like you have) we’ve got some tactics for you.
#1. Go on a Pinterest binge (bonus: it’s gluten free!). Decide to become Namaste AF and vow to now only survive on sunshine, air and positive vibes. Realize quickly that you are not a hippie living in a field of sunflowers and daisies at a never-ending golden hour. Get Chipotle instead.
Fitness level: Beginner
#2. Sign up for Weight Watchers so you can download the app. Immediately cancel because you no longer need them. Look up the value of everything in your house and put big numbers on them indicating just how much that Granola or Noosa Lemon Yogurt is going to cost you. Oh you thought it was healthy? No. It’s basically cellulite in a cute little container. Learned this the hard way – you’re welcome. Realize you’ve been living a lie and know nothing about nutrition. Never follow through with the diet because
a bottle two glasses of wine is your entire point allowance for the day and you’d rather be fat than give up alcohol. Spend the remainder of the year looking at food with numbers on it that you’ll never eat but can’t bring yourself to throw away because people are starving and so are you.
Fitness level: Abysmal
#3. Spend a ridiculous amount of money on juice for a
potential massacre three day cleanse. This can work a few different ways…
Scenario 1: Complete the cleanse and feel like Kate Moss for five minutes. Eat normal food again and go back to ground zero.
Scenario 2: Attempt the cleanse, get wrinkles from being pissed off at all seconds. Lose your job for going OFF on the bitch in accounting, break up with all of your boyfriends, be disowned from your family for years of animosity that you forgot about until you had to chug another fucking glass of Satan’s juice, give up and realize that being fat is the least of your worries at this point. Live a life of solitude.
Scenario 3 (my favorite): Add vodka. Forget you care.
Fitness Level: Suburban Housewife
#4. Drink at least three cups of coffee before 10:00 am and supplement throughout the day. You’ll feel so cracked out that you literally can’t even think about food and in the off chance you DO think about food, apply Crest Whitestrips. Can’t eat when you’re whitening (I don’t care what the label says) and you’ll need them for those corn kernel coffee teeth at this rate of ingestion. Bonus points: if your teeth rot out of your head for applying Whitestrips 20 times a day, you can’t eat either. This is really a win/win/win all around and I highly suggest this route. Starbucks might even start spelling your name right.
Fitness level: Expert
#5. Borrow your friend’s Adderall prescription. If you don’t need Adderall, it’s basically the same thing as doing meth without the whole chem lab/spoon combo and therefore basically the same as being on a very restrictive diet.
Plus, think of all the things you’ll get done. You might even address the episode of Hoarders/Cops that you call your apartment… but you’ll probably clean your shower with a toothbrush instead. I still consider this a success.
Fitness level: Out of bounds/Illegal
#6. Find attractive person with the flu. Not the fever/body aches/coughing all day/cold sweats flu. You need one with a full-fledged, terroristic stomach bug; This is crucial. Make out immediately.
Fitness level: Advanced
#7. Go through a breakup. Seriously. In the beginning, all the crying will give you baby abs. You’ll have zero appetite and you’ll ape out at the gym. Turns out anger is the best pre-workout you could ask for.
While you’re in this super healthy head space, check out your ex’s social media. Read old messages. Look at cute pictures. Lose your appetite and feel so sick that your stomach literally ceases to exist. Emerge as a butterfly months (years) later. Maybe.
Fitness level: Depression
#8. Decide to eat clean. Obviously, decide this a couple days after going to the store and completely stocking up on horrible things for you. Eat all of the things because we can’t have this crap in our healthy home anymore. Add this to damage control to-do list.
Fitness level: The Purge at Midnight
#9. Look at yourself naked first thing in the morning – every morning – to
have a mental breakdown remind yourself that a bagel with cream cheese is not your friend and to set the tone for your day. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels… except pizza… Chipotle… tacos… fruit roll-ups… nachos… crab rangoons… shit. Look in the mirror again. Get it TF together.
Fitness level: Competitive
#10. Cut back on cocktails and carbs.
Fitness level: Impossible and honestly offensive
Seriously though, if all else fails, you can always get the body of your dreams with a sensible diet and exercise… just like the Kardashians.