WASHINGTON D.C. – Following a year of escalating tensions between Washington and Pyongyang, Chief of Staff General Kelly has decided to trick President Trump into believing that he has obliterated North Korea.
“The fact of the matter is that the President will not rest until he believes that North Korea no longer represents a threat to the security of the United States. Accordingly, I have decided to stage an elaborate ruse: I have hired a Hollywood studio to create dramatic footage of North Korea’s nuclear annihilation. It’s the same studio that filmed the moon landing. Then, Trump will use the nuclear codes, but don’t worry, our military has been debriefed on the scheme. After a few hours, we will show Trump images of Pyongyang in flames. Boastful tweets will ensue, and the country will finally be able to sleep at night! Win-win,” General Kelly said in a meeting with Congress.
After explaining the plot in excruciating detail, General Kelly warned congressional Republicans against “fucking this up.”
“I just know that weasel Paul Ryan is going to spill the beans. Just look at that smug bastard! I trust him with national security secrets about as much as I would trust a monkey with a loaded gun. Fortunately, I have sensitive information on Ryan, that he would never risk me leaking to the public. What is it, you ask? Let’s just say it involves frilly pink lingerie, a prophylactic device, and a certain four-legged creature. I will leave future generations to discern the relation between these three things,” Kelly told Defense Secretary Ashton B. Carter.
The White House has prepared a celebration, in preparation of the release of the “wartime footage.” The party will include all of Trump’s exquisite culinary delights: KFC, well-done steak, ketchup, and Big Macs. To commemorate the event, the White House also plans to surprise the President with a golden chalice, proportionate to his small hands.
Citizens are advised to await a series of boastful tweets at any moment, and to “just go along with it.”