Future Congressional Baseball Games to Replace Bats with Bazookas

By: Carl Sweat IV

WASHINGTON D.C. – Following the tragic shooting of Rep. Steve Scalise (R-LA), the Republican controlled House of Representatives have decided to take immediate action.
“We will not allow an attack on one of our own to become an assault on our 2nd Amendment rights,” House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy said in a statement.

“As I trembled in terror at the scene around me, I could not help but wonder if this horrible event could have been prevented, if only someone had a large weapon capable of shooting rockets at our enemies in their possession,” McCarthy continued. “It may seem excessive, but when the security of our charity baseball games is at stake, we must explore every possible scenario.’

Yesterday, President Trump held a press conference, in which he referred to the controversial legislation as “tremendous” and was quoted as saying that “bad dudes will think twice before doing this again.” When asked whether or not Democratic congressmen would also receive bazookas under the new law, he hinted that “those loser obstructionists” wouldl be left to their own devices.

“Maybe they should have approved my cabinet sooner,” he snidely remarked.

When asked how this slight would affect an already tumultuous, bipartisan political landscape, President Trump seemed unfazed, and asked for the country’s loyalty.

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