Science & Technology

EPA Head Suggests Preventing Forest Fires with Kerosene

Scott Pruitt, the embattled Secretary of the Environmental Protection Agency, recently released a proposal calling for every national park in the country to have at least forty gallons of kerosene at its disposal.

When pressed about this by reporters, Pruitt claimed that he got the idea from the National Rifle Association (NRA).

“The NRA understands that gun free zones do not prevent gun violence. Only responsible gun owners can put an end to these mass shootings. I thought that the same could be true of our forest fire problem,” Pruitt explained.

When confronted with the paradoxical nature of this legislation, Pruitt again alluded to a popular NRA argument.

“Kerosene doesn’t cause forest fires, people cause forest fires!” He exclaimed, pounding his fist on the ground.

In order to demonstrate this, Pruitt had his assistant bring out a jug of kerosene into the conference room.

“See?” Pruitt haughtily demanded. “It can’t exactly set fires on its own.”

Suddenly, a staff member tripped over the jug of kerosene, causing it to flood the office floor.

“Nobody move!” demanded a visibly agitated Pruitt. “We’ll all be fine, as long as no one does anything reckless and irresponsible.”

At that moment, another Pruitt aide with a long-standing nicotine addiction lit a cigarette, nonchalantly letting the cigarette butt fall to the floor.

Firefighters are currently investigating whether this was a freak accident, or arson.

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