EL PASO, TEXAS — In the wake of the shooting in El Paso, suspect Patrick Crusius reportedly told investigators that he was largely inspired by the 1990 Nintendo classic, Super Mario World.
“I used to play for 17 hours at a time, barely taking a break to piss,” Crusius began. “I had a real problem, and I do think that it warped my perspective on life. I became obsessed with how effortlessly red shells completely destroyed Mario’s enemies. I spent days at a time slaughtering goombas. I guess you could say that this is where my violent streak comes from.”
In response to this revelation, President Trump called for a ban on all violent video games during a Monday afternoon press conference.
“These games are just vile. Princesses being kidnapped, plumbers massacring wildlife, it’s just appalling. With such poison infecting our culture. it’s no wonder that our youth resort to violence. Shame on Nintendo. The blood is on their hands,” Trump said in a statement.
Critics accused the President’s proposal of distracting from mental health issues, easy access to firearms, and white nationalist rhetoric.
“No distractions! If I wanted to distract you, don’t you think I could come up with something a little bit more clever than ‘our country has a violent video game problem?’” Trump dismissively retorted. “Look, no one knows distractions better than me. If I wanted to distract you, I could do it easily.”