WASHINGTON D.C. – During the GOP Primary Debate in March of last year, Americans anxiously anticipated an insightful, rigorous discussion of policy issues. What they got instead was Trump responding to Senator Marco Rubio’s criticism of his hand size, and the implication that his member must therefore be tiny. On one of the world’s biggest stages, Trump haughtily rebuked Rubio’s innuendo, assuring the American public that “there’s no problem.”
It has been over a year now, and this man is now the Commander in Chief. Yes, we voted for a man who used the campaign trail as an opportunity to brag about the size of his penis. Since November 9th, we have all undoubtedly wondered: What does this say about our democracy? If a man can defile our most sacred right, the right to vote, with dick talk and “locker room language,” then are we still truly a defender of democracy?
Eventually, the democratic process will dissolve. We clearly have no need for negotiations, debates, or other forms of idle chatter. Why should we discuss policy? After all, tax plans and strategies to rebuild our infrastructure hardly address the concerns of the modern man. When men find themselves lost in thought, they are not weighing heavy issues such as income inequality or education reform. Instead, they are trying to find ways to cope with their feelings of hopeless inadequacy. Their source of anguish: the size of their cocks!
Until recently, debates have done nothing to address this concern. Thankfully, we have men like President Donald J. Trump to put our collective mind at ease. However, simply alluding to the size of one’s penis during a presidential debate is not bold enough. If we truly wish to alleviate the anxieties of men everywhere, we must go a step further. This is why the downfall of our democracy is inevitable, because it, unlike the size of the Presidential Penis, is simply insubstantial.
To remedy this, future generations will forego elections altogether. Instead, candidates will simply whip it out and measure to see whose penis deserves the right to guide our great nation toward prosperity. Obviously, we will use the Imperial System to conduct this sacred rite. Any use of penile enlargement operations or supplements of any kind will be strictly prohibited, as this would constitute “rigging the election.”
The measurements must take place in a room whose thermostat is set at a temperate sixty-five degrees. This prevents discomfort and shrinkage, which allows for maximum accuracy. If a candidate wishes to contest the results of the election, he can petition a “cockfight.” Far from endangering fowl, a “cockfight” in this instance simply means that the two candidates will brandish their members like bayonets and engage with one another in melee combat, until fatigue sets in. This will ensure that only the candidate with the best temperament and the most stamina will become President of the United States.
If this future seems absurd to you, perhaps even crude or perverse, simply remember that such a plan will address the daily issues affecting just over half of the country’s population today. Clearly, the results of the 2016 Election indicate that the size of our leader’s schlong is of utmost importance to us as a nation. We must remember that there is no going back from the world in which the Presidential Penis reigns supreme. We should therefore accept our fate and learn to live with these electoral reforms.