Politics

Department of Health and Human Services Blames Losing Track of 1,500 Migrant Children on Tooth Fairy and Own Indifference

Tooth fairy receives blame for missing migrant children.

WASHINGTON D.C. — A top Department of Health and Human Services official admitted to members of Congress that the agency lost track of approximately 1,500 migrant children it placed with sponsors in the United States. The primary concern is that these children could end up in with human traffickers or wind up being used as free labor by people pretending to be relatives.

As Congress demanded to know more, Steven Wagner, the acting assistant secretary of the agency’s Administration for Children and Families, gave a testimony that caught every member present off-guard.

“We learned of the missing children when we began making calls to their sponsors and the others who had taken them into their custody. Most of the children were taken into government care after they showed up along the Southwest border. They came from Honduras, Guatemala, El Salvador, and were fleeing from domestic abuse, drug cartels, gang violence, and poverty really,” said Wagner.

“However, what we could not account for was a combination of own indifference and that the tooth fairy would have such sinister motives,” added Wagner. “Most of the children who went missing were taken by the tooth fairy. The way the media portrays her is far different from the cruel reality of what she is. Nikkita, as we’ve learned she calls herself, is a tiny, sadistic witch, who collects children’s teeth to make sculptures out of them. The tooth fairy sits on a throne of teeth and lies. They are her obsession and she will stop at nothing to get them. Oh, yeah, and um, about our part in all of this — well, we really just don’t have hearts so we can’t be blamed for anything.”

At press time, the Department of Health and Human Services contemplated doing something to rectify the errors that allowed migrant children to end up in the hands of human traffickers.

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