HAMBURG, GERMANY – This year’s contentious G20 Summit, marred by violent protests and anger from all sides of the political spectrum, had no shortage of security concerns. However, one of the most pressing seemed to be a mysterious figure wandering about the conference, visibly disoriented.
“We weren’t exactly sure if he knew where he was, or even if he was supposed to be there. I’m getting really sick of this bullshit. Dealing with world leaders is like running a fucking daycare sometimes,” a visibly agitated Chancellor Merkel told reporters.
Attendees at the event were also surprised to see a shoe saleswoman trailing the strange man in a striped blue and white tie.
“I couldn’t help but wonder what in the flying fuck she thought she was doing,” Chancellor Merkel blurted out, seething in frustration. “We are here to address important issues, not play dress up. I really wanted to tear that bitch a new one,” she said, presumably referring to Ivanka Trump.
“The fact that President Trump had his daughter speak at a conference in his absence displays the sort of shameless nepotism that makes us here in the DPRK deeply uncomfortable,” Dear Leader Kim Jong Un said in a statement for the Korean Central News Agency (KCNA).
“Everyone looked really angry, like they didn’t want her there. It reminded me of my time in high school,” Ivanka Trump’s husband, Jared Kushner, remarked sympathetically.
As Ivanka Trump’s controversial role in the Trump Administration continues to grow, Americans have taken to polls to voice their discomfort. In an online poll, CNN asked the following:
“Should Ivanka Trump be allowed to serve in the Trump Administration?”
15% responded with “Yes,” 15% with “No,” and a whopping 70% responded with “Please, Shut Your Goddamned Mouth and Go Back to Making Shoes.”