SISSETON, SOUTH DAKOTA — The Environmental Protection Agency received a report that the Keystone Pipeline had been tampered with, which led to the 210,000 gallon South Dakota oil leak. Concurrently, a crustier than usual, oil-slicked Steve Bannon was spotted lurking in the waters of the Keystone Pipeline spill.
“His eyes would poke above the water,” says pipeline repairman Frank Abbott. “Then he’d go back underwater for minutes at a time before resurfacing for air. At first, I didn’t know what it was, but then he started muttering something about oil driving the ‘Injuns’ out of civilized country. If I had to place a wager on it, I’d say he played a part in the spill.”
Some believe this may be the former White House Chief Strategist’s first step in his war on the republican party in an effort to draw massive attention to negatively received approval of the pipeline. Furthering this argument is the timing of the incident, following so closely on the heels of Thanksgiving. Much of the controversy regarding the pipeline dealt with it being largely in Sioux territory and the environmental impact it was expected to have on their lands — a fear that has now come into fruition.
Since the initial report of Bannon’s literal resurfacing, the reports have grown stranger. Locals and Sioux tribesmen say “the dark spirit” (Bannon) has been spawning adult white men from the polluted waters of the river. Rumor has it that these Bannon-created creatures are born instinctively willing to follow his every command. It’s also said they do so by loyally reading his Breitbart News website in order to stay connected to their master.
At press time, Bannon was reportedly still lurking in the river and continuing to forge an army of crusty, racist, old white men from the Keystone oil spill.