Politics

Coronavirus Tests Positive for Rand Paul

WASHINGTON D.C. — Coronavirus, otherwise known as COVID-19, recently went to the hospital after displaying a series of worrying symptoms.

“I recently came into contact with one of Senator Rand Paul’s staffers, so you can imagine how terrified I was,” a concerned COVID-19 said in an email interview. “I decided to go get tested, because the last thing I wanted was to be responsible for the spread of this horrifying disease.”

“My first reaction was disbelief, then I really started freaking out. I wondered how it would affect me. What if it leads to personality changes, like complete and utter indifference toward the economically disenfranchised? I didn’t want that to happen to me. I care deeply for marginalized groups. In fact, one might call me a social activist of sorts. People call me ‘’Comrade Coronavirus.” Did you see what I did to the global economy?” COVID-19 continued.

While only time will tell how the disease will affect COVID-19, the coronavirus wants to assure everyone that it is entirely without fear.

“They caught it early. That’s the most important thing. I just hope I don’t catch anymore senators”

COVID-19 continues to be in good spirits, and its condition is stable.

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