MOBILE, ALABAMA – As he walked through the park, Manuel Atterberry came upon a rather unfortunate sight: a man waving a Confederate flag. Far from being angry or upset, Atterberry found himself feeling grateful for this welcome display of bigotry.
“I’m thankful for the existence of the Rebel Flag,” Atterberry said. “Without it, how else would we be able to track xenophobic swine? The Confederate Flag isn’t just a symbol of hate, it’s also the universal sign for ‘I am absolute scum. Avoid me at all costs.’ I can understand why people might argue for removing the Confederate flag from public spaces. After all, it is a hate symbol, whether inbreds wish to admit it or not. But, if we were to get rid of the Confederate Flag, how would we know whom to ignore, or punch in the face, if we are so inclined?”
In accordance with this concept, Atterberry has formed a non-profit organization, which seeks to show that the Confederate flag inadvertently provides American citizens with a public service. By identifying the absolute vilest members of society, the Rebel Flag allows everyone to create a productive, tolerant community, irrespective of the existence of wretched hillbillies.
Atterberry’s non-profit, Rebel Flags Unintentionally Bring Peace (RFUBP), hands out Confederate flags to unsuspecting fools, so that the rest of the community can quickly identify them.
“So far, we have handed out several thousand flags to the hopelessly ignorant. Communities from all over the United States have thanked us for outing the most despicable underbelly of their societies. Employers often speak to us before hiring a prospective employee. This saves the job market from being populated by detestable imbeciles. I am very proud of what we have achieved,” Atterberry remarked.
“Thanks to RFUBP, I feel a lot safer when I walk down the street, knowing that I can spot fucking idiots from a mile away. The organization even saved me years of heartache by outing my boyfriend as a racist asshole. I broke up with him shortly after he came home with one of their flags. Thanks, RFUBP!” an anonymous Yelp testimonial reads.
“We are thinking of expanding our operation by handing out those Goddamn ‘Don’t Tread on Me’ flags. You know, because Libertarians are shitty people too,” Atterberry said, when asked about plans for the future.