LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY – Following an incorrect Rapture prediction by self-professed “numerologist” David Meade, churches all over the United States have declared that their congregations will not be reimbursed for their contributions.
The controversial move comes after a statement in August by the World Evangelical Alliance, encouraging the faithful to “get right with God” by giving all of their worldly possessions to the Church. The press release also remarked that God-fearing Christians “won’t need them after September 23rd anyway.” It concluded by saying that “God accepts all credit and debit cards.”
Understandably, Evangelicals all over the world woke up in frustration on Saturday morning, having been robbed of their divine reward.
“I gave everything I had, because I believed that was the only way that God would forgive me for my sins,” said Chuck Kelderman, a devout man from Knoxville, Tennessee. “I’ve done some heinous shit in my life. One time, I farted in an elevator and blamed it on my wife, Susan. I thought this was the only way that I could repent and achieve salvation. I feel like I’ve been duped.”
Susan Kelderman could not be reached for comment.
“We understand why many Christians might be upset by Mr. Meade’s false prediction,” Efraim Tendero, Secretary-General of the World Evangelical Alliance, was quoted as saying. “He recently informed me that he forgot to carry the one when performing the complex calculations required to prophesy Armageddon. Math is a tricky thing. However, Mr. Meade has apologized for his careless mistake. He also has assured me that the planet will end in October of 2019. He cited something about an invasion by a giant hamster overlord from the planet Nibiru, as written in the Book of Revelations. We therefore encourage all of our devoted followers to donate to their local churches when the time comes, and to prepare for battle.”