Report: On Independence Day, Charles Darwin Watched Natural Selection at Work from Hell

7TH LAYER OF HELL – According to infernal sources, this Independence Day, Charles Darwin enthusiastically spectated from Hell, as natural selection took its course.

“I thoroughly enjoy watching as Americans blow their hands off with homemade firecrackers. It really validates my theories, as I elucidated in The Origin of Species. It’s also just fucking hilarious. I mean, holy fucking shit. They’re always like, ‘Hey Cletus, hold my beer.’ Then, they shoot a Goddamn bottle rocket out of their rectal cavity. It’s absolutely amazing,” Beelzebub quoted Darwin as saying.

In order to provide a momentary respite from eternal hellfire, Darwin also enjoys witnessing adolescents snort condoms and take the Tide Pod Challenge.

“The Wi-Fi in Hell really sucks, but occasionally, I can get Youtube videos to load. Our Wi-Fi network is called ‘Pride Goeth Before the WiFi.’ If it weren’t for these dumb motherfuckers desperately Attempting to attain fame on social media, I’d go mad from boredom. That’s the wonderful thing about natural selection: There’s never a dull moment.”

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