QUEBEC, CANADA – During an argument about hockey, Steve Schmidt reportedly bludgeoned his friend with a hockey stick. Overcome with remorse, Schmidt has decided to give a eulogy at his victim’s funeral.
“It is customary for Canadians to express heartfelt contrition, when they have committed acts of wrongdoing,” Schmidt’s statement began, amid a crowd of mourners. “In accordance with this tradition, I would like to apologize to everyone to whom my actions may have caused pain. Kyle was a good friend of mine. I just get really competitive about hockey. He slandered the Montreal Canadians, and I just lost it. You all can understand that, right?” he tearfully pleaded. After his speech, Schmidt placed a Canadian flag and a plate of poutine beside the gravestone, in accordance with Quebecois custom.
“We accept his apology,” Kyle’s father told The Millennial Snowflake. “It isn’t in the nature of Canadians to get angry. It won’t bring our son back. Bygones are bygones, in this part of the world. We even forgave Chad Kroeger for Nickelback. It took years, but we did it. It’s just who we are.”