WASHINGTON D.C. – A speech by President Trump, scheduled for November 11th at the Vietnam Veterans Memorial in Washington, has been canceled due to bone spurs in the President’s foot. The event, honoring Veterans Day, will take place regardless of his absence. In a statement, representatives of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial Fund (VVMF) were disappointed, though not surprised, that President Trump would be unable to speak.
“Given his tendency toward truancy in matters of war, we weren’t exactly shocked to receive a doctor’s note in the mail. Curiously, the note was written in gold Sharpie and had Diet Coke stains all over it. In any case, many veterans were apprehensive about having a man with four draft deferrals on his record speak on their behalf, so perhaps it is for the best,” the VVMF said in a statement.
Under increasing political pressure, President Trump hastily gave a bizarre statement at a press conference on Thursday, in order to explain his reasoning for bailing out of the event over three months in advance.
“No one loves walls more than me, and the Vietnam Veterans Memorial is a beautiful, beautiful wall, with the names of many fine servicemen and women engraved on it. I remember Vietnam clearly. I beamed with pride from the tennis courts, as brave men and women said goodbye to their families before their deployment. Believe me, no one has more respect for our veterans than I do. I begged my nice Jewish doctor to let me attend the event, but he said that doing so would cause me tremendous pain and discomfort. I will continue to fight on behalf of the American people, regardless of this setback. This is my service, and I will continue my war against the Fake News Media and the Bad Hombres,” Trump triumphantly declared, before heroically vacating the conference room.
Spectators noted that he was “remarkably spry” for someone suffering such an injury, and that he was clearly wearing golf shoes during the press event. Reportedly, he even threatened to strike an “uppity” CNN reporter with a golf club.