PHILADELPHIA — Throughout the early stages of his presidential campaign, Joe Biden has received criticism for making female constituents uncomfortable.
“The media has made it very clear that Joe has been too affectionate with women,” Biden’s campaign manager, Greg Schultz, told The Millennial Snowflake. “His polling numbers with women are falling, and so we knew that we had to do something radical.”
Ultimately, Biden’s campaign decided that he should wear a “buster collar,” otherwise known as a “pet cone,” to all future campaign events.
“Our strategy is simple,” Schultz continued. “When a dog can’t stop licking his testicles, you put a cone on his head to prevent him from doing so. The same principle applies to presidential candidates who can’t stop sniffing women’s hair.”
“We hope that this measure will prove once and for all that Joe cares about women, and that he respects their vote….errr…their bodily autonomy.”