Biden Begs Young Voters to Stop Looking into His Senate Record: ‘Just Trust Me.’

Jacksonville, FL — During a town hall in Jacksonville on Friday, former Vice President Joe Biden gave a speech, during which he pleaded with young voters not to pay attention to his record in the Senate.

“You should just trust me. I’m proud of my record, and your parents put their faith in my leadership. That’s all you need to know. You don’t need to know what the Crime Bill is; just trust that I did the right thing. Things were different back then. Minorities were much scarier, and you need to understand that,” he told the crowd.

“Using Bing and Yahoo can be dangerous, because they just present you with information, without giving the full picture,” he added.

He then turned to his interactions with women throughout his career, which many critics have deemed inappropriate.

“I know you kids these days believe in the concept of ‘personal space,’ but people were much more affectionate when I was growing up. Political leaders kissed babies and held women tight, and we didn’t get all bent out of shape over it. You should respect that your elders just grew up in a different time. We didn’t believe in that convoluted #YouAsWell stuff, or whatever that phrase is you use.”

“If it’s so innocent, why do you only sniff women’s hair?” a skeptical voice in the crowd shouted.

“That’s an excellent question, you repugnant piece of human garbage. Go vote for someone else, then play in traffic,” Biden answered, as a member of his campaign staff visibly bristled.

“I’m sorry, young lady. What I meant to say is that young men just don’t smell as nice as young women. Shit. I mean, something about chivalry and being a gentleman? I dunno, go fuck yourself.”

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