LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA – Shortly following an interview in the New York Post, in which Former Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci accused Senior White House Advisor Stephen K. Bannon of “sucking his own cock,” Bannon has decided to open a yoga studio near Breitbart News’ headquarters in Los Angeles.
“At first, I was angry at Scaramucci for divulging such sensitive information,, but then, I realized that he was referring to a marketable skill. I’m about 95% sure that Breitbart readers have never actually seen a vagina in person, much less found a girl willing to orally gratify their micropenises. As such, they will need to take care of their repressed urges on their own. Thus, the Center for Unsightly Contortionists and Kinetic Sorcery, or C.U.C.K.S., was born! I look forward to sharing my secrets, which have been in the Bannon family for generations.”
Seminar topics include: “Just Pretend It’s a Strawberry Ice Cream Cone: An Introduction to Flavored Lubricants” and “Why Self-Fellatio is Not Gay at All.”
“I’m really looking forward to the seminars,” said Benjamin Harrell, avid member of the alt-right. “It will be wonderful to learn techniques for self-gratification from the master himself. I just hope that there aren’t any non-whites there. We need to ensure the racial purity of our masturbatory exploits. Hopefully, no women either. I mean, feminazis are already convinced that they don’t need men. If Mr. Bannon teaches them how to orally gratify themselves, he will bring down Western civilization as we know it.”
To reserve your spot at the next C.U.C.K.S. meeting, please call the Breitbart News offices directly at (310)-508-0220. Spots are reserved on a first come, first serve basis, so call now!