We need to talk. For the longest time I was THE phallic fruit. Since the 1980’s, my day one IRL counterpart had been used as a sex-ed condom model as a stand-in for, well, you know, the thing they compare you to now. Sooooo naturally I made sense as the dick emoji. I mean, it was a no brainer LOL.
I had it good. Do you know what it’s like — damn, I guess you do these days. NVM. Anyways, I liked it. Most of the time I was used to get people excited. Like “you want this (banana emoji)” or “(banana emoji + splashing sweat emoji + mouth emoji). You get the point. Everything was literally perfect until you crashed the party, all purple and misshapen. Now I’m just a fucking fruit. See, that’s the thing, though. You don’t even make sense. I get Japanese eggplant cause it’s all long and skinny like me — but YOU? SERIOUSLY THO? You wouldn’t even fit. TBH even the snake emoji makes more sense than you.
Look I’m not trying to be a dick. Well, I mean I guess that’s exactly what I’m trying to be — I want my old job back. Nothing stopping you from just going on about your ways being an innocent, ugly looking vegetable-fruit thing again. You wouldn’t be letting anyone down. Nobody says, “once you go eggplant, you never go back.” They will go back, and they’ll go back to using me. I miss being used and abused, you feel me?
Just keeping it 100,