Area Woman Loves Hookah and Hummus, Hates Hussein

Girl smokes hookah and blows smoke rings.

ATLANTA — Area woman Elizabeth Caldwell recently developed a taste for hummus after sampling it at Whole Foods.

“It’s perfect with everything,” says Caldwell. “Why did Whole Foods just now invent it?”

Coincidentally, Caldwell also enjoys hookah, the single or multi-stemmed device used for smoking flavored tobacco or cannabis, originating from Persia.

When a friend asked what made her such an avid lover of Middle Eastern culture, Caldwell was at first puzzled, but her bewilderment quickly shifted to rage.

“Islam is a religion of hate,” she spouted off. “It’s in their Quran to have like endless war against America. If you’re name is Hussein, just go back to where you came from cause our President doesn’t even want you here.”

Her friend, who preferred to remain anonymous explained first, that it was ignorant to automatically equate every Middle Easterner to being a practitioner of Islam. She then pressed Caldwell to elaborate on why she believed that it was a religion of hate.

“Um, have you heard about ISIS? They want sharia law everywhere and they’re coming here disguised as refugees.”

Her friend attempted to explain that using ISIS to condemn Islam would be nearly equivalent to using the KKK as a justification for hatred towards Christianity, and that her statement was partially based on early-stage propaganda used by weapons manufacturers to illicit fear and escalate conflict. However, Caldwell failed miserably to grasp the connection, or simply did not try.

“On Fox, I saw Muslims cheering for ISIS,” said Caldwell. “Besides, all I need to know about Islam, I learned on 9/11. I just don’t trust any of them. But this is super stressful and it’s making me hungry for some falafel.”

At press time, Caldwell continues to develop a love for ethnic foods and experiences, while her hate for other ethnicities grows exponentially.


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