Apple CEO on iPhone X: ‘At Least it Doesn’t Explode’

CUPERTINO, CALIFORNIA – After the eagerly anticipated release of the iPhone X on Friday, Apple CEO Tim Cook called for a press conference, during which he laid out his vision for Apple’s future.

”When Samsung’s infamous Galaxy Note 7 began to explode, we realized that we had a golden opportunity at Apple: We could afford to compromise on the quality of our product, while raising prices. We knew that people would pay a bit extra money. After all, no one wants to have their phone catch on fire. Did you see those return kits Samsung handed out? It was like dismantling a bomb. We here at Apple care too much about our customers to have them risk blowing their Goddamned hands off. But if you want to keep all of your limbs, you’ll need to pay up,” Cook explained, as an adoring audience praised Apple’s technological innovativeness.

Cook then moved on to extol the virtues of Apple, remarking upon their uncompromising desire to steer technology toward the most lucrative direction.

“We removed the AUX cable, in spite of numerous requests for us to keep it. Why did we do this? Because we believe in the opportunities that Bluetooth technology provides us to increase our profit margin. Our new wireless Bluetooth earbuds represent the pinnacle of 21st century technology: They’re easy to lose, the battery only lasts for six hours, and a baby could easily swallow them, forcing your favorite Katy Perry song to move through its large intestine! But just remember: You’ll never have to worry about surrendering your Samsung phone on an airplane for fear that your terrible purchase could literally kill people,” Cook continued, with a remarkably smug grin on his face.

“I end with this: It’s $999 or your life. Make the right choice.”

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