WASHINGTON D.C. — On Monday, firebrand freshman Rep Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (NY-14) proposed legislation that would require all Christians to carry licenses to lawfully own Bibles.
“Much of the violence in this country can be attributed to radical interpretations of Christianity,” Rep. Ocasio-Cortez said on the floor of the House of Representatives. “It is clear that we don’t just need gun control, we also need Bible control. When someone is intent on causing harm to others, and they believe that their propensity toward violence is divinely sanctioned, they are capable of untold acts of evil. Therefore, for the betterment of our society, we have to contain violence at its source.”
“As a practicing Catholic, I recognize that religion can be good for people,” Rep. Ocasio-Cortez explained in an interview with The Millennial Snowflake. “But it isn’t hard to imagine that hate crimes against LGBTQ+ people, for example, have been exacerbated by literal interpretations of Leviticus 18:22, which says that homosexuality is an ‘abomination.’ The fact is that many Americans fail to put these passages in their proper historical context, and they take them literally. My legislation would make it so people who think this way could never get their hands on a work of Scripture.”
In order to obtain a license, one would have to undergo “Bible training,” which would teach the devout to “interpret Scripture responsibly.”
Rep. Ocasio-Cortez’s proposal has been met with considerable opposition from conservatives and religious leaders alike.
“She will have to answer to God for this,” prominent Evangelist Franklin Graham roared in front of a mob of protestors wielding pitchforks. “She will beg Him for mercy when the Judgment Day comes,” he forcefully concluded, as several demonstrators burned Ocasio-Cortez in effigy.
While the legislation is unlikely to pass the Republican controlled Senate, other prominent Evangelical leaders have said that it is emblematic of growing Christian persecution in the United States.
“It is clear that Christians in this country are being oppressed, like Christ Himself before them,” Joel Osteen said in a service held at his Lakewood Church. “We must prepare for a Holy War against the forces of evil. Every able-bodied man, woman, and child must be prepared to do battle against the unholy non-believers,” he exclaimed, as church officials handed out an assortment of weapons to parishioners.