Entertainment

99% of Men Think Cosmo is Really Overcomplicating Sex: ‘We’re as Dumb and Horny as You Think’

Cosmopolitan Magazine overcomplicates sex when guys really are just dumb and horny.

MANHATTAN — In a shocking new study, the Millennial Snowflake Research Center (MSRC) found that 99% of men believe that the fashion and lifestyle magazine Cosmopolitan is overcomplicating sex, with nearly all of the study’s participants saying: Just fuck me.

Readers of the magazine are familiar with the frequent sex tips dished out by the publication. However, it can be challenging coming up with new ways to write about sex after over five decades in print, as evidenced by wildly off-the-mark tips like, “To achieve goddess status, you have to truly master his man bits,” and “Firmly hold the bottom of his shaft in one hand and slowly push it towards the base. (Imagine you’re pushing his penis into his body).”

“We’re really not that complicated. Just fuck us,” said participant Logan Stiffler. “No, seriously, that really is all we want.”

Cosmo editor-in-chief Michele Promaulayko wholeheartedly disagrees.

“Men don’t know what they want sexually. They need to be shown,” said Promaulayko. “Imagine all you’ve ever had is junk food, but then you try tiramisu one day. Suddenly, that junk food sex is a whole lot less appealing.”

“We don’t need to be seduced. That’s cool and all, but honestly, if we’re into you and you just get naked, we’re pretty much good to go,” insisted Stiffler.

Stiffler and the rest of the participants were asked to rank a number of Cosmo’s tips on a scale of strongly disagree to strongly agree. For example, many of the men actually added a “just plain stupid” ranking to express their feelings about the following Cosmo tips:

 

  1. “Hold his penis in one hand and lightly slap it with the other… you can tap it back and forth like you’re volleying a tennis ball and lightly pinch the skin on his shaft and testicles. Many women make the mistake of being too gentle.”

 

  1. “Tickle his feet with your nipples: climb on top of him in reverse cowgirl position, then bend over until your nipples reach the tops of his feet. …Yowzah.”

 

  1. “Feed each other ice cream [in the dark]. Not being able to see means more spilling, which means more licking up the mess.”

 

“No, seriously, just fuck us,” said Stiffler. “Those sound like they were written by women telling other women what men like. Please, let’s do missionary, doggy, I’ll pick you up, we can do it against a wall, on a table, any crazy position you want. Hell, even shower sex. But please don’t listen to those psychopaths at Cosmo. We really are as dumb and horny as you think. There’s nothing complicated going on here.”

 

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