SEATTLE, WASHINGTON – As a grenade decimated his character during a Team Deathmatch on Call of Duty: Black Ops III, Charlie Watkins revealed a stunning secret: He had engaged in sexual relations with his adversary’s mother.
Shocked at the betrayal, Bill Pritchard left the match, in order to confront her.
“It’s true. He told me about his Kill/Death ratio and I just couldn’t help myself. He’s level 55! That kind of dedication shows a real capacity for commitment,” she told her visibly shellshocked son.
“I couldn’t believe it at first. I mean, Call of Duty Online is notorious for twelve year old boys who go on and on about how they ‘fucked your mom.’ I’ve learned to think nothing of it. I thought it was just what people say when they suck at video games. But I started to notice something was up when my mother, who divorced my dad a few years ago, started sending suggestive private messages online through Xbox Live. She has been chatting with a guy named MILFHunter69 for at least six months now. I thought it was some sort of weird midlife crisis thing, and that it would blow over. I guess I was wrong,” Pritchard said, as his hands shook with disgust at his mother’s salacious duplicity.
Microsoft has reported an alarming number of lonely middle aged women finding young men through Xbox Live.
“We have created a Cougar Awareness line to talk mortified users through how to broach the subject with their mothers,” Satya Nadella, current CEO of Microsoft, explained. “We advise that users take comments such as ‘That’s what your mom said last night’ a bit more seriously moving forward. The truth is that in this day and age, it is impossible to tell whether or not a user is speaking in earnest. Therefore, it is best to be cautious. We also suggest that users avoid doing anything to provoke players into having illicit affairs with their mothers. This includes conduct like ‘teabagging’ and ‘camping.’ If you think it will enrage your opponent, then for the love of your mother, just don’t do it.”